Playing The Waiting Game

Urgh, so it’s 5 more days until I find out whether or not I have got my place at University and I feel physically sick just thinking about it.

This is not my first year applying for university… I actually applied last year but only just didn’t get in! I wanted to study at The University of Surrey, who wanted a B in French and 300 UCAS points…. I got my B in French but only got 290 UCAS points. And they wouldn’t budge. At the time I was so set on getting into that university that I didn’t want to go through clearing, so I took an extra year at Sixth Form. Now I want to go to the University of Essex in Colchester! It has a fantastic course, and the campus is beautiful. Some of my friends already go there and will be starting their second year but I’m honestly not going just because they are there. I really fell in love with the campus when I visited and got to know the atmosphere through my friends who lived there.

Now all I have to get is 2 B’s, (one I already have in french) and 300 UCAS points… I was 11 marks off a B in media studies and I really worked my ass off this year in my resits for it so hopefully I will get a B which will give me the extra UCAS points!

But I think not getting in last year was the spiral that lead to depression… I remember seeing the word “unsuccessful” and just burst into tears. It was like the world had stopped and I was in utter despair. I didn’t know what to do or say and I couldn’t think of anything other than “I’m such a failure”… when in actual fact, something I’ve come to realise is that, I passed with pretty damn good grades. I got a BCCD and the D was a subject that I had no interest in. The C in media was almost a B and the C in english was probably as good as I was going to get considering the teacher I had killed the subject for me!

In my heart of hearts I know that the reason why I missed out on my place at university last year was because I completely slacked off in year 12. I got involved with a guy (Emo-Boy) who believe it or not wasn’t emo when I was with him! And he distracted me from my studies and it wasn’t until almost the end of the year that I realised what mentally abusive waste of space he was and actually tried to get my studies back on track! Of course, it was too late and I got mostly C’s, D’s and even an E in French (bearing in mind my average grade was a B)!! When I opened my results I was gutted… not surprised but completely gutted. I had disappointed myself completely, I’d let myself down and I knew my family would be disappointed. My family were in Turkey when my results came out and when they phoned to ask how I’d done I gave them my results sort of… I actually did get a B in my media exam, and a C in my English Lit exam but the rest were D’s and E’s…. so I told them I’d got 1 B, 2 C’s and a D. It wasn’t until earlier this year that I let it slip that I actually got a D and an E in my french modules!!

I also remember running into my French teacher in the coffee shop in town in the summer, and sitting down chatting and talking about what had happened. She gave me some wise advice that made me feel better about the situation: the past is the past for a reason. Leave it there and focus on the present, because it will soon be your future!

So in year 13 I spent the one year retaking all of year 12 (except my B in media) as well as doing my second year of A-Levels, which was damn near impossible and really hard work. This was stressful and no doubt contributed to my eventual depression.

Now that I’ve taken an extra year (and worked extra hard throughout) I feel proud that I’ve done my best, and I can’t do any more than that, but I am also extremely nervous. It was the hardest thing to watch all my friends head off to uni and feel like I’d been left behind, but I do feel that my year 12 mistakes and not getting into university were a great learning curve for me.

Nothing in life comes for free but you can do anything you want in life as long as you work hard!!

So… Wish me luck!! =D