The Bitter Past..
So while we’re on the subject on self-actualization and reading into our personalities I should probably explain a little about the problems I’ve had in the past.
I warn you now that it isn’t pretty. When I was 15 years old I developed an eating disorder. I guess my life was pretty stressful at the time, as my 19 year old sister had a one year old baby and I had just started my GCSEs which at the time were very important to me, I also had medical problems that caused a lot of stress. I remember once, coming home from school and just sitting down on my bed and crying. And I don’t just mean a few tears, but I actually sat and sobbed for what seemed like hours. Life for me seemed to have completely fallen apart and I couldn’t control any aspect of my life and all I could feel was a sense of desperation that there was no point left anymore, but at the same time I had a little sister and brother and my parents to stay alive for. So I had to find something- ANYTHING- to have just a little bit of control in my life. Food was my vice…
The first time I tried to control my food I didn’t eat all day and I was so proud of myself, for not giving in and for controlling myself with such discipline. But when I came home and I had to sit at the table to eat dinner with my family I was so disheartened, like everything I’d worked for during the day had come undone. I was such a failure.
It was about a week later when I came up with idea of purging after I’d eaten. For me I had to create a sense of normality as though there was nothing wrong. But my mum and my friends noticed that I wasn’t eating much, so I had to do something… The first time I made myself sick was horrible. My throat hurt, I cried and I didn’t feel that there were any benefits at all. I can’t even begin to explain the fear and adrenaline I felt when I first purged. I carried on despite the bad effects, and suddenly I’d dropped a dress size. People were saying how I was so thin and that I had an amazing figure, and I felt the adrenaline take over. The fear vanished and I was finally in control! I felt elated and managed to get down to a size 10! This felt incredible.
However.. physically I felt worn out with no energy, my skin was pasty and drawn and no amount of make up would hide it. I woke up one day and looked in the mirror and all I saw was a pale shadow of myself. I hardly recognised myself. I never smiled, I didn’t laugh, I tried not to socialize with people. I used to be a bubbly person, who enjoyed talking to other people and having a laugh. I used to be outgoing and I used to smile. I couldn’t even remember when the last time I’d actually smiled was.
As of that day, I swore never to purge again. I have only broken this promise a few times, and only ever when things have been really really stressful. Except now, I have been diagnosed with depression and I’m getting help for that. There is no way I’d condone having Bulimia or Anorexia, but I do understand that it’s an easy trap to fall into. It’s hard for me to talk about but given the thought provoking that has gone on today I feel that it’s only fair to be honest with you!
If you are suffering from depression or an eating disorder, or know someone who is then there is an amazing group of advisors that you can contact at http://blurtitout.org/