Words of Wisdom
So it’s 4am and I have been awake since 8am the day before and I’ve been to work and I’m shattered but somehow I’ve spent all night talking to a guy from school, Mr Arrogant. Except tonight I saw the part of him that almost never comes out to play, sure he acts like he’s a tough guy but I don’t know I think today we gave each other some wise words…
Apparently I need to let go and quit worrying about what will happen if I do. Whilst he needs to realise that just because something doesn’t happen to you directly doesn’t mean it doesn’t affect you.
In a way he has a good point that he attracts messed up people, with issues. Or as he called them “broken” people. I feel kind of the same way, in the sense that I find I understand people better when they are fractured like somehow I know that by understanding them I can eventually help them. Because if I don’t then I’ve failed. I can’t help myself so I try to make up for it by helping other people, but I will never make up for it. According to Mr Arrogant, this is the point where I need to let go. If I go out, I build up to all the fun and then stop myself before I go over the edge… He thinks I should just let myself go over the edge and have some fun.. I mean after all I am getting a tattoo and going paragliding! The thing is I’m scared of what will happen if I do… who will I hurt, what are the consequences, when do I stop? I’m not very good at free falling knowing that there’s nothing at the bottom to catch me. Because if I fall, then what guarantees that I’ll make it to the other side?
I compared my life to a train wreck today:
It seems I am always getting on the wrong train, which inevitably leads to a crash and wreckage. And the First Class tickets for the train that rolls over the hills and into the sunset are all sold out.
So I’m left waiting on the platform. For the next train wreck…
The thing is I don’t feel like I deserve to be happy, like I’m not a good person so every attempt to be happy that I’ve made, has failed. I suppose the question on my mind is WHY do I feel like I’m not a good person. As Mr Arrogant (Or rather tonight; Mr Sensitive) said: what have I done to make me feel like such a bad person?
Honestly… I don’t know but it’s definitely something I need to work on. I shouldn’t feel like that when I haven’t done anything to warrant this image of myself. So the next step? Is working on improving my self image and maybe, just maybe I’ll even be able to let go someday.